TRAVELWITHZOE

I made a couple of Jamaican friends while I was there, and I had nothing to do one evening so I went to the bar where one of these friends, Jody, works, also in the mountains near Ochi. Her bar is really small so it often closes early, like midnight. She said she wanted to go out after it closed and I said I was down for that, but we had no way of getting there (taxis are more rare and expensive at night), so we were hoping some nice men would appear at her bar, say they were going out, and we’d join them.

We almost gave up then a nice car pulled up and two men got out. They bought Coolie (Jody’s friend) and me a drink straight away, so we knew there was a chance they’d take us out with them after. Jody fluttered her eyelashes and before long they agreed to go out in Ochi and take us with them.

After a couple of drinks we got in their car, arrived in Ochi and looked around for a good party. All the smalls bars were quite empty then someone mentioned “everyone must be at Shades”. Shades is a proper indoor club in Ochi that charges entry fees and has expensive drinks etc. They also mentioned that Tuesday (it was a Tuesday that day) is Freaky Night at Shades. I thought this would mean some strippers but that’s all.

We pulled up at shades and there was a queue to get in and a lot of signs around the entry area saying “photography is strictly forbidden” etc, which I found surprising because I’d never seen that at a club before. The men payed for our entry so I didn’t see how much it was but I’ve heard it’s expensive, around 20 US dollars.

At first when we got in I just saw people sitting down as usual, and dancehall was being played loudly like normal, then I saw the “stage”. It was kind of like a big boxing ring, but what was going on was definitely not boxing.

I don’t really know how explicit I should be, but there was some girl-on-girl action going on with 3 or 4 girls who were completely naked (except heels). There were also topless girls and girls in underwear walking around the club giving guys lap dances etc. I’d never even been to a strip club before this, so even that was a bit weird to me.

People were acting as if what was going on on stage was quite normal, just chatting and drinking etc. A weird looking stripper came over to one of the men who’d driven us. She had a lot of piercings and her figure was kind of manly. She straddled the man (I can’t remember his name) and eventually her underwear came off and he was smacking her bum and giving her money.

Half way through this lap dance, something scary happened… She started stroking my leg!!!! I made a facial expression as if I was about to be sick, and Jody told the stripper it’s my first time in Shades so she should leave me alone today (thank God). The stripper then moved her face really close to mine and I got even more scared, but then she just whispered “sorry” into my ear and continued with the lap dance. When she left the other people told me “she wanted you from the start” etc. I was just like “eww!”

After about an hour, a fully-clothed normal looking man appeared on stage while there were still naked girls on there. I asked Jody why, and she said “him ah guh f*ck pon stage” (= he’s going to have sex on stage). I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!

Sure enough after some slow stripping etc, he had sex with one of the girls on stage. The DJ was making me laugh because as well as dancehall he was playing tunes like R.Kelly – Bump n Grind. I can’t say I was particularly entertained, but I wasn’t bored; I was just in disbelief at what was going on in front of my eyes! Little did I know the best entertainment was still to come…

I noticed a jamaican midget walking round the club with his nickname on his t-shirt (I think it was ShortMan or something). Lots of guys were shaking his hand etc as if he was someone famous. Jody told me that he was also going to have sex on stage. He was SO short and the girls were all normal height so it was a really funny thought.

When he eventually stripped on the stage, I understood why he was a sex performer. He was NOT in proportion!!! His tongue was SO long, and so was something else (I’m sure you can guess). He had a big personality as well, jumping around the stage trying to pump up the crowd and asking the girls to scream if they think he’s cute. I wish photography was allowed so I could show you, but it just looked so ridiculous. The naked girl was lying down on her back at one end of the stage, and the dwarf started at the other end with his massive tongue sticking out kind of creeping towards her (tongue first) like a lizard trying to catch a fly or something.

It was interesting because in Jamaica, guys going down on girls is something that’s frowned upon by other guys, but the two men (especially the midget) seemed to enjoy it!

They used the pole and the edges of the stage to hold onto and bend around etc, and they were clearly very experienced. I don’t know if I’d go back or not, but I guess I’m glad I went once, even if it was the strangest night of my life.